apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
