Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Barsexuality is the new black.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
