Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
