Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
