Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
