I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
