An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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