Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
