Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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