you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
