rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
