Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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