He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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