i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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