i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
