I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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