She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
