please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
