Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
