wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
