Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
