he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize