Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
