Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I think people are normalizing furries
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
