I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
And my parents said I crawled through the house
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
