had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
