you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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