Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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