Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
