You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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