Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
We're facebook friends in real life
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
