When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
