He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Randomize
