If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
