woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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