My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
