i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
