you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
