I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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