it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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