He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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