I smell stomach acid.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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