I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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