1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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