Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
