You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
