if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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