I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
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