So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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