Kiss
Puke
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
