I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
