Swine flu. Run for my life!
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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